Its Creeping In...

The time is coming that the worry and fear is creeping in. The what-ifs are starting to haunt me in my inner most core of my own heart. What if...the surgeon comes out and says Daniel didn't make it? What if...I have to tell Nolan something terrible? What if...Joseph loses his best friend? Am I even allowed to have these thoughts? Is it tacky to write about them? Probably, but I swore I would be honest. And there is a part of me that feels like if I don't visit the worst possible what-if scenario, I'm not preparing myself fully, I'm living in denial and I'm not allowing God to nuture these great and vast fears. He is the only person who can carry this burden for me, but first I have to acknowledge it. Then I have to allow him to pry this worry from my clenched fist, give it to Him and let it go. Let it go...

The truth is, in some ways I feel like I'm just getting to know Daniel. I hope I don't sound like a broken record, because I know I've said this to some of you, but it feels wrong to admit it in writing. Loving Daniel was alway different. I am no physchiatrist, but I know that some part of me put up a wall when I first saw him, attached to all those wires, unable to hold him without fear of hurting him. But I do know that even then, when I sang to him, as he lay on that table, wires going every which way, he turned his head towards me. Every time. And I knew then, saw the tiny shimmer of hope, that my son knew I was his mommy. But we still had so long to go, such a long road ahead of us, and a part of me never let myself believe he would ever come home. And then, thankfully, he did. And still, he seemed so fragile, so weak, so...angry!!! I had so much to learn about what being a fighter meant. My little warrior. My little man, with a frown and a cry for most of the first months of life, constantly screaming at me. It still makes me so sad that he was in so much pain those young months, unable to tell us why. And then, just like the dawn after a terribly cold and long and scary night, little signs of progress. A beautiful smile. Grabbing for toys. Miracles beyond my wildest dreams. Its mind blowing to me that he was walking by 13 months. Its mind blowing that he can keep up with Joseph and that he, with one look, can have the rest of us roaring with laughter around the dinner table. It's mind blowing that God picked ME to be his mommy. I feel so unworthy.

So, now I begin trying to open my clenched fists. To give my son over to God once again. I pray that he will give us countless years with Daniel, the boy I love so much it makes my bones hurt. I pray that for each of my children. But the truth is, I don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year will hold for us. So today, I thank God for how far we've come, the lessons I've been blessed to learn, the memories with each of my boys and my husband. And I hope. I hope for so much.

"The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17