We have a Date

Today at my doctors appointment, they surprised me by saying we would go ahead and set up a C-section date! Both babies are breech (as of an ultrasound Tuesday), so as long as both of them don't flip, we'll go forth with a c-section. If both flip, they'll induce me that day. That is if I don't go into labor before that. My cervix is still measuring at 1cm, which she said was still really good (aka long) for twins at 35 1/2 wks pregnant. Going by that, and that I'm not having many contractions, I feel like the babies are quite comfortable and we should make it to the 22nd. Of course, I was reminded that other factors could come into play as they monitor me that would require them to get them out sooner, as well, but for now, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! It's so hard to believe!

Next Friday we'll have an ultrasound to measure the babies, which I'm really excited about. Today they measured my uterus, and it was measuring at 46 weeks! Crazy!

Thursday I met with the one of the two possible surgeons that will perform the surgery on Baby B. This was my second time at Children's hospital and the second time I became pretty emotional. As much as I feel like I'm at peace with all of this, walking through the doors at that hospital is like someone throwing a glass of ice cold water on my face. It's reality. Almost nothing the surgeon told me was new to me, but hearing it again broke my heart. Surgery will most likely occur within one to two weeks. It will be open heart, and will take about 5-6 hours. They will leave his chest open for 2-3 days because of swelling, so they'll be a clear patch over his sweet tiny chest where we will be able to see his fixed heart beating. He may need to be on a breathing machine for a bit. He can't eat for almost a full day prior to the surgery. Let me stop here to just say, we'll need your prayers. Okay, after surgery, he'll be there for one to weeks depending on many variables. He'll most likely have to re-learn to eat ("suck"). This will be the first of many surgeries in his life. Depending on how the valve they put in his heart grows, he'll need a new one every few years, longer stretches as he gets older. This surgery is "new" and began about 40 years ago. There are not too many 30 and 40 year olds alive who initially had this surgery, but we'll pray that with growing technology, our son will outlive us by many years and he and his brothers will die at old ages, surrounded by their kids and grandkids. And yet, its amazing what a gift each day is, isn't it? He will always have a large scar on his sweet chest. He should be able to live a "normal" life. Run, play on the playground, play sports, chase his brothers. Run from his momma when he's in trouble! And yet, as with any surgery, I was reminded their are no guarantees. Its open heart surgery and there are risks.

I'm filled with hope and dread of the upcoming events. I know that I'll never be the same. Brian and I will never be the same and I feel like we're standing on the edge of so many unknowns and I keep wondering why God thinks I'm the one for this. I cried out to him, asking him if I was being punished? Why it couldn't be me? Why this had to happen to US? Such selfish pleas. And yet, His quiet, gentle voice told me, "I have plans for your son. You have no idea what I can do with one tiny life, no matter how sick or how long he is on this earth." And still I want to shout, "But I don't want to endure this! HOW? HOW will I?" And then I think of Nolan. And how he is learning to ride his bike so good. Sometimes he gets stuck, going uphill. "Momma, I'm stuck!" "Push! Pedal REALLY hard" I tell him. He grits his teeth and tries to pedal. Sometimes I have to give him a push to get him started. Other times he keeps at it and he tries so hard, he gets unstuck. And he's so proud. And I'm even prouder. And he is stronger. So, I will keep gritting my teeth and pushing forward. And when I can't go any further, give one more push, I know who will gently and lovingly guide me along.

And don't let me forget to add the feelings of hope, excitement and joy I am feeling. Truly, for every time I feel sorry for myself, I also feel (and more strongly) honored. I get to be his mommy. Their mommy. It's funny, as soon as I typed that, Baby B gave me a good swift kick (or punch, I'm not so sure). But as they roll around in there, fighting over space in my growing belly, I'm out here rooting for them, loving them, anticipating them, no matter what kind of fight we may have to face. And their daddy is right along their with me. We know that Nolan was our first miracle and that now God has entrusted us with two more. I am awed and humbled each and every single day.

I know we have been so blessed to have so many people praying for us throughout this entire pregnancy. We've felt those prayers every step of the way. I believe in prayer and I believe it is so powerful. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts...especially from the heart that needs some fixing. XOXO!