Daniel's Next Surgery

Brian and I knew the day was inevitable, but we were still rather shocked, when after Daniel's last cath procedure in July, his cardiologist said it had "bought us about 6 months." We were thinking more like one or two years. We were given the time frame option of October through January. We chose January for a couple reasons. One, and most importantly, the goal is to have him as big as possible before they operate. We're still working very hard (D's working the hardest) to gain weight. Secondly, we wanted to have a "normalish" Christmas and holiday season to enjoy and not be "recovering" from surgery. I guess what I didn't expect was the deja vu sense of dread. I had a feeling choosing an actual date would make it all a reality, but for some naive reason, I wasn't prepared for the emotional toll it would immediately take on me. I broke down in tears the second I got off the phone with the scheduler. Familiar emotions of dread, fear, anger, frustration and the ring leader of these emotions...helplessness...crept into my heart.

I know that we are in one of the best places to have a baby with a heart condition. Boston is phenomenal, and I have no doubt in my mind God put us here for a reason. Its funny how sure we were to be stationed at another base, but when Brian announced "Boston" I just smiled, happy and at peace, reminded of how God has a hand in it all. Every little thing. Every little person. Every little heart. In the last few weeks I have come to realize its been quite a while since I've blogged my emotions about Daniels status. Part of it is human nature. I can tuck the fears and what-ifs far down. Then a scheduled surgery reminds me that our "norm" is still very new to me, a way of life I am still often not accustomed to living. This blog is for and about our whole family. Its also, if I am going to be honest, for my children, to someday read and hopefully have a glimpse at every day life and how parenting and family life is a roller coaster. Fun, wonderful, unpredictable, hard, awesome, hilarious. So I don't want to make it all about Daniel. But I am making a promise to myself now, today, and to all of you, that I will be as honest as I can about my own personal emotions of this journey. During D's first surgery I kept so very much to myself, fearing that what I was feeling was not only not normal, but cruel. Resentment, anger, questioning...these felt like ungrateful and cruel emotions for a mother to have. But someday, God willing, all of my boys will grow up. And they will have feelings of their own. Daniel, I imagine, will one day wonder, "Why me?" And that's okay. We're allowed to feel what we feel. I have come to learn that its what we do from there, how we handle it and live it and accept it that makes our path and allows God to grow us. And I'm learning, from other wonderful people and mothers especially, that what I felt then was perfectly normal. If I had only known that then. I was so ashamed. So, there will be some posts in the coming months that are more emotional and thought provoked than normal. Its my journal in so many ways, but I will continue to post the fun and light day to day things (aka my beautiful boys).

In the meantime, we could use an army of prayer warriors for Daniel. The most immediate prayer is that he continues to eat well (yes, he is eating well), gain weight, and stay as healthy as absolute possible, in order to prepare him well for his open heart surgery, which is in the books for January 11th. Thank you, we love you all so much! Here we go again!!