My Pregnancy Testimony

This post was originally written in early Janueary, 2009. I kept writing and re-writing it. It has sat in my computer for far too long. The writing will never be perfect, but here it is. My testimony, my faith, my unending thanks for the way things have turned out. I think its the perfect day to post it.

This is a post that has been on my heart for a very long time to share. The Lord has urged me on in this for quite some time, however, even before I knew I was pregnant. For many reasons, I haven't sat down and written it. One reason is that it won't be easy and another is that in no way do I want to seem like I am seeking pity or airing our problems to the world. And yet, during some very difficult times in the past two years (and especially the last year) my heart and soul have found comfort and healing in many blogs, most of whose authors I have never and will never meet. To this day I'm amazed at their honesty and their stories and mostly their strength that they received from God. So, after much thought and praying I feel like it's only fair to pass on this testimony, that which is really my Savior's.

For those of you reading that don't know, Brian and I used a low dose fertility medicine to conceive Nolan, our first miracle. After two years of struggling with fertility and fighting doctors I talked an OB into trying that method before pursuing much more invasive testing that would have included surgery and put even the possibility of getting pregnant off by many months. After Nolan we had hopes that perhaps this time we would get pregnant without medical assistance, but to no avail. When Nolan was about a year, I began the same fertility medicine. Two times we got pregnant and two times we miscarried (very early). This was about the time Brian went on his four month deployment. I was crushed, knowing we would have to wait four more months before even trying. But the Lord had other plans for me. I began eating healthier, working out and spending alot more time with God. It was a cleansing period and when Brian returned, we were excited that this time it would work. We got pregnant rather quickly and waited. I worried. And prayed. And things seemed to be going okay.

And then one night, the rug was pulled out from underneath of us. We went to the ER because of excruciating pain in my left side. I knew and read enough about what could go wrong in pregnancies to know what was happening. I kept hoping and praying I was wrong, but when the ultrasound tech couldn't find anything at all on the screen one of my worst fears began to take form. What seemed like hours later the doctor gently informed me of what I already knew. The pregnancy was in my tube. I had an ectopic pregnancy. By the time I was being rushed into surgery to remove the baby, my tube had burst. They removed the baby, my left tube and a thousand dreams. That's the ugly of it. The amazing part starts here. Our friends were unbelievable during this time. Being away from family, our friends took that role of family. Nolan was taken care of for most of the weekend (Easter weekend by the way). We had meals brought to us for over a week so that we didn't have to worry about cooking. I was very weak and couldn't get out of bed for the first few days and after that I was supposed to take it easy. Friends visited, brought us goodies, movies and magazines. Friends and family from miles away sent flowers, cards, phone calls and prayers. And we felt those prayers. I thought I would fall apart, but the peace I experienced was utterly amazing to me. And amid the grief, I was shocked at how happy I could feel. Not for long. But for moments. For a while that's what my life became. Moments, connecting to one another. Gut wrenching sadness. Anger. A hug from my son which made me so happy. A phone call that brought hope and laughter. A whispered voice in my soul telling me I would get through this and this wouldn't be forever. I suppose my whole life is really about moments, but I get so caught up in things that it takes something unfortunate or truly sad or just monumental to make me stop and realize how wonderful small moments can be.

After a few months Brian and I met with a fertility specialist, a kind doctor who told us the good, the bad and the ugly of our situation. I went through another round of tests. Blood tests, ultrasounds, and more. I won't lie, it's not fun! The end result was what we had heard before. We're a "normal" couple. Nothing came up wrong, there should be no reason we shouldn't be able to conceive, although now our chances did go down because I had one less tube. It's called unexplained infertility. So we decided to try 3 cycles at this clinic. If unsuccessful, it most likely meant our next step was IVF, which our insurance would not cover. The first two cycles most of my mature follicles were on the wrong side. It was devastating to know we were trying for something that would most likely fail. We drove to Pensacola usually twice a week. Again, friends watched Nolan alot and this helped so so much. Two failed cycles. I wasn't sure I could take another failed cycle. I was emotionally drained and physically I was beat, too. Brian is a great pep talker, though, and everyday he told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. We cried and prayed together. We laughed alot, too. And then...things looked good, for the first time. According to the ultrasounds, everything was maturing on the right side, where I still had a tube. We tried not to get our hopes up, but we were very positive. And then, finally, after what seemed like eternity, I was able to take a home pregnancy test. I saw two lines immediately. I knelt on my bathroom floor, bawling and just thanking God.

It wasn't long, however, before the fear set in. What if I miscarried? What if I had another ectopic? If I lose my right tube will I ever have more kids? Would I be able to go through all this again? But my HCG levels were very good and so we settled in to wait for our first ultrasound, at the 6 1/2 weeks point. Those two and half weeks crept by. It was a snails pace, really. Every pain had me on edge, every ache, every sneeze. My ultrasound was scheduled for a Thursday afternoon. Wednesday arrived and I was on edge and in awe for more than just the reason that the following day I would have an ultrasound. It was November 12th, which marked what would have been my due date for the sweet baby I lost in my tube. I prayed that morning that someday I would get to hold him or her and that I was really going to try to let it go now. To move on and hopefully have more healing and less hurting. As I had most days since I had become pregnant I fell into bed to nap the second Nolan did, I was so exhausted. When I woke up from my nap I stood up. And felt a very similar excruciating pain all throughout my abdomen. I could barely walk. Truly, every step I took made me cry out in pain. It was happening again, another ectopic. On the day of my should- have- been due date. Brian was out of town. I would have to have surgery without him. I would miss Nolan's birthday party. I would miss bringing him to school the next day with his blue cupcakes he picked to share with his class for his birthday. I cried and called Cheyna, who had a 3 week old. In minutes she had it all under control, getting Abby and Nolan to Staci's house so she could take me to the ER. While I waited for her to arrive Nolan stroked my hair and told me it would be okay. This broke my heart in one thousand more pieces. He shouldn't have to see me like this. At the ER it was surreal and unsettling. I was put in the same room as my last ectopic. What seemed like forever they finally wheeled me to the ultrasound room. I prepared to see a blank screen. And then I saw my baby. And the flickering of a heartbeat. The tech smiled and told me congratulations and I cried. And then she moved the wand and I gasped. "Is that what I think it is?" I asked. "Yep. You have twins." My heart stopped. My breath was gone. "Does it have a heartbeat?" I croaked. "It sure does." And that's how I discovered I was having twin miracles. God had been working on my heart in so many ways and I understood instantly that it was no coincidence that I sat in the same room, 9 months after my ectopic, on my would have been due date, discovering this news. It was and it is a MIRACLE. God and I still have so much to work on and I have so much to improve on. He's made it clear lately to me that worry is not my job. Every single day, and sometimes more, I have to give over my miracles, my babies to Him. He wants me to be joyful, not fearful, of this pregnancy. And its a challenge, but I'm getting there. That is my testimony and my story.