We are getting ready to head out for our big trek to St. Louis. I knew it would be tough to pack, but I didn't realize just how overwhelming a task it would be...or maybe I did, but I didn't allow myself to think about it. We forgot how much stuff newborns need and we are at a loss of how much of it to bring with us, how much we'll need, what sizes...because the truth is we just don't know how long we'll be in St. Louis.
Nolan's beside himself excited about going to St. Louis and cried last night and this morning when we weren't leaving yet. Can you imagine if I had started packing a week ago? He keeps packing his bag with toys, then getting the toys out to play, then re-packing.
I have been extremely emotional about this whole ordeal. Taking the dogs to the kennel was not the highlight of my day and bidding them farewell about broke my heart. At Nolan's first peep last night, I went to his room and let him crawl in my lap on his rocking chair. I held him as best I could around my growing belly and sang to him, trying not to cry, knowing that when we return, the rocking chair would be retired from his room and my sweet baby would be forever the BIG brother. No matter how many times or different ways I'll try to tell him, he won't believe me that he'll always be my baby. Is it wrong to admit that I'm just not ready to leave? That I'm not ready to leave my home, whose walls have seen us go through fertility challenges, lost babies and have soaked up my dreams of a time when I would bring our new babies home? I know I will bring them home, but not initially, and its just a difficult idea for me to grasp. But I will not allow self pity or bitterness to overwhelm me or win. I just have to redefine our families story and our dreams...and as long as we are together we are just that...FAMILY.
On the bright side, what I am very much looking forward to is seeing lots of people we love that we haven't seen in over a year!! As difficult as it is for me to leave our routine and friends here, I know that sadness will diminish quickly once we're surrounded by a completely different support system in St. Louis! Change is inevitable and although I sound like I'm not taking it well (which today I don't think I am), I am excited to see what God has planned for us and realize the more we fight change, the less chance we'll be able to enjoy it. Well, I better get back to some packing! Bon voyage!
1 comment:
I'll be thinking of you! It must be difficult but think of the end reward... worth every second of being away.
Nolan will be a wonderful big brother! It's hard to let our babies grow up, isn't it.
Post a Comment